“Which one would you like?” asked the gentle man, as I looked hesitantly through the glass window in the bakery as I glanced over the wonderful array of assorted cakes and pastries before me.
My gaze was drawn to the colourful and beautifully decorated cheesecakes and solid, rich looking muds, instantly my eyes moved from these to the flat ‘ok’ looking pastries and half stale doughnuts. ‘The price of those garish pastries was way too much..’ I thought to myself, ‘After all, this was only a treat, something I would taste now and would be forever be gone, surely that money could be spent elsewhere, on something more important, where it would be more needed.’, “I’ll have that one.” I respond as I point to some generic sweet pastry that is not too outlandish but would still be regarded as a ‘treat’ for someone as undeserving as I.
“Are you sure that’s what you want?” Was his response, “How about one of those cheesecakes? (he pointed towards the one I actually wanted) They look delicious, you’d like one of those wouldn’t you?” as he asked invitingly, “It’s ok.. I’ll have that one”, I respond. As I walk out of the shop hand in hand with the kind man, I am grateful that I even got a treat let alone a rich mans cheesecake! But something else told me that it really wouldn’t have mattered to him which one I had picked...
This story is an allegory of what God has been showing me recently, the kind man in the story was Father God, I was the child and the pastry shop was my life, with all of the inticisises therein; what life has to offer, what’s available to me, what’s possible, what I think I deserve and what I don’t.
Growing up in household of seven children with my champion of a mother doing at home daycare together with after-school care (oftentimes unpaid) one could say I grew up in a hectic household! With so many mouths to feed we didn’t have a lot of money when growing up, to even have cordial in the house or anything other that buttered yo yo’s for recess was a real treat. My mother and stepfather did amazing with what they had and learnt to stretch everything out to supply everyones needs best they could. My father was a bit more ‘tight fisted’ I guess you could say and always had an excuse to not give, not supply and not provide, although I do love him this was the reality.
I think with all of us what we experience as children, within our families from our parents and from our fathers especially, it colours the way we see God and how we see ourselves included in his family - the trinity.
For so many years I lived in lack, in fear. A couple of years ago I was working for state government in the youth sector and I was earning good money and a position almost impossible to get fired in. But I was still living in a state of worry of not having enough, and the anxiety that came along with that. Eventually I knew I needed to move on from my position but was so fearful of leaving in case I would not ‘have enough’. Enough money to pay my bills, enough money to pay my rent.. the basic necessities. How can you be earning good money and still be in a state of fear of lack? I guess the answer was I was living in fear because I still didn’t know who I was, I was a child of God but in reality I was still living as an orphan.
I have never been a fan of the prosperity gospel, in fact I am the first to get on my soap box and vehemently oppose it. To go around reducing the gospel to a means for material gain when the majority of the world lives below the poverty line makes me sick to my stomach. But this has been part of my journey, finding a balance of what I think I deserve (as an orphan who doesn’t realise he has been adopted by Papa) and letting myself have things or even (God forbid) deserve things because the Father loves me and wants to give me something - for no other reason than he loves me and want’s to treat me. To let myself be brought to a state of living where I have no fear of lack, where I can choose the cheesecake and not worry about how much I have left in the bank afterwards, this is where God has been leading me and it is intrinsically linked to my identity.
These last few months I have earned more than I have at any other other time in my life. God has allowed me to be in a such a position as being able to go into a restaurant and not look at the price of the meal first before ordering it, I’m finding that I don’t have to eat every scrap of food on my plate to the point of feeling sick because “it’s a waste” if I don’t, that if I’m full, then the food has done it’s job and I am sufficient until God provides for my next meal. He’s been teaching me that if I like something nice that may not be ‘necessary for my survival’ that I am able to buy it and not feel guilty.
But this state I’m currently in, it’s not all about me, neither is it just for me. I had the blessing of being able to travel to Cambodia recently (at the time I had no money, no job and even my trip was sponsored by a loving Christian woman) I visited many people while there, so many faithful to God but living on so little.
Living in my current state I was able to help sponsor an amazingly faithful man of God and his family for six months and it not even put a dent in my budget. Ironically if I was back in my previous state of lack, I just would not have been able to do that and if I was able to financially, then I would have been too afraid to because I was living in fear of not having enough afterwards.
I had to stop seeing my lack as something I deserved, if I should only have what I deserve then I should either be in a state of non-existence or I should be in hell fire! But the reality is God doesn’t give us what we deserve, his Grace and love pours over us for no other reason that it is His inexpressible joy to love us because that is His very nature. NOTHING we have we deserve, not even life itself, it’s a cliche, but its true.
We in the west have prosperity, we have the ability the come up with a business idea and with careful planning and determination become wealthy because of it, but that is not a bad thing, it may very well be if we do this for selfish reasons but if it supports us and enables us to help others it is A VERY GOOD THING.
We are blessed here, so much so in Australia that is boggles the mind compared to the rest of the world. Instead of living like paupers in a rich land we need to let Papa God show us that we are his Sons and Daughters, we are royalty of noble blood, not because of anything we’ve done but because of who God is! If we have been adopted into his Family then we are of royal blood, no matter how we act or even if we are living in the gutter it doesn’t change the fact that we are his children. This is the very heart of the Gospel - receiving what we have done nothing to deserve!
In reality it wouldn’t have mattered which treat I chose from that bakery window, to the kind man it would have been all the same, all that mattered to him was that he wanted to give me a treat for no other reason than it pleased him to do so. It is exactly the same when we want to treat our children, our grandchildren or or nieces or nephews, we do it because we delight in them and it brings us joy to do so, God invented this expression of love, not us! He just includes us in it. The irony is that when we have this revelation of who we are, we learn it’s ok to not live in lack, we are then able to help others that actually do have less in such greater ways!
I haven’t reached the end of my new revelation of who I am and I still struggle with old mindsets of lack and what I think I deserve, but God is showing me as much as my heart is able to comprehend that I am his Son. We need a deeper revelation of who we are as sons and daughters of the King and only God can do this by his grace, we just need to be open and even broken if need be to receive it. It will change the way we see ourselves and unless that is changed we are of little help to others around us because as one preacher I heard recently said, “we are living in a puddle.” And God doesn’t want us living in a puddle, a puddle of lack and one of fear but He wants us living in a river of life that flows out to the world bringing hope, blessing and love to those who don’t know of it.
